Introduction
Taking the first step toward divorce is never easy. If you’ve chosen the collaborative process, you’ve already made an important decision that can significantly impact how your family navigates this transition. The collaborative approach offers a more respectful, solution-oriented alternative to traditional litigation—but what exactly happens when you begin?
Your first collaborative meeting sets the tone and structure for the entire process. Understanding what to expect can help reduce anxiety and prepare you to participate effectively from the start. This article will walk you through the typical components of an initial collaborative meeting, helping you feel more comfortable and confident as you embark on this journey.
Before the Meeting: Preparation Steps
Before your first full collaborative meeting, several preliminary steps typically occur:
Individual Consultations with Attorneys
Both you and your spouse will have met individually with your respective collaborative attorneys to discuss:
- Your specific concerns and goals
- The collaborative process and its benefits
- The participation agreement and its implications
- Initial information gathering requirements
Team Formation
Based on your family’s specific needs, appropriate professionals will be selected for your collaborative team. This typically includes:
- A collaborative attorney for each spouse
- A neutral financial professional (if financial matters are complex)
- A neutral mental health professional serving as a coach or child specialist (particularly when children are involved)
Preliminary Communications
Behind the scenes, the professionals usually:
- Share basic information about your situation
- Discuss logistics for the first meeting
- Identify any immediate concerns that need addressing
- Prepare an agenda
Setting the Stage: Location and Environment
Unlike court proceedings in imposing courthouses or contentious negotiations in sterile conference rooms, collaborative meetings are designed to be comfortable and conducive to productive conversation.
Typical Settings
Collaborative meetings are often held in:
- Conference rooms in professional offices with comfortable seating
- Spaces specifically designed for collaborative practice
- Neutral locations agreed upon by both parties
Room Setup
The physical arrangement is thoughtfully designed to promote collaboration:
- Participants typically sit around a conference table, often in a mixed arrangement rather than “sides”
- Visual aids like whiteboards or screens are available
- Water, tissues, and other comforts are provided
- Private spaces are available for individual consultations if needed
Who Attends the First Meeting
The first full collaborative meeting typically includes:
The Spouses
As the decision-makers in the process, both spouses attend all collaborative meetings.
Collaborative Attorneys
Each spouse’s collaborative attorney will be present to provide legal guidance, explain options, and help navigate the process.
Other Team Members
Depending on your situation, the first meeting might also include:
- A financial neutral, particularly if financial matters are complex
- A divorce coach who helps facilitate communication and manage emotions
- A child specialist, especially if there are concerns about children’s adjustment
The Meeting Agenda: What Actually Happens
While every collaborative case is unique, most first meetings follow a similar structure designed to build a foundation for successful negotiation.
1. Introductions and Role Clarifications
The meeting begins with introductions of everyone present and clear explanations of each professional’s role. This helps establish:
- Who will be responsible for what aspects of the process
- How the professionals will work together
- How communication will flow between meetings
2. Overview of the Collaborative Process
One of the attorneys typically provides a comprehensive explanation of how collaborative divorce works, including:
- The key principles of transparency, respect, and interest-based negotiation
- The typical progression of meetings
- How decisions are made
- Confidentiality protections
- What happens if the process terminates without resolution
3. Signing the Participation Agreement
The cornerstone of collaborative practice is the participation agreement—a contract signed by both spouses and all professionals that commits everyone to the collaborative process. This document typically includes:
- The disqualification provision (requiring attorneys to withdraw if the process fails)
- Commitments to good faith negotiation and full disclosure
- Confidentiality protections
- Agreement to use neutral experts
- Expectations for behavior and communication
Your attorney will explain each provision, answer questions, and ensure you understand what you’re signing. This formal commitment marks the official beginning of the collaborative process.
4. Discussion of Goals and Interests
A crucial early component is identifying what matters most to each person. This discussion typically explores:
- Primary concerns and fears
- Hopes for the future
- Non-negotiable needs versus flexible wants
- Shared interests, particularly regarding children
- Individual priorities for financial security, relationships, and well-being
Unlike positional bargaining (“I want the house”), this interest-based approach (“I need stability for the children and financial security”) opens up creative problem-solving.
5. Establishing Ground Rules
To ensure productive meetings, the team works together to establish communication guidelines such as:
- Speaking respectfully even during disagreement
- Allowing each person to finish before responding
- Taking breaks when emotions run high
- Using “I” statements rather than accusations
- Focusing on future solutions rather than past grievances
These ground rules create a safe space for difficult conversations and model healthy communication patterns that can benefit post-divorce interactions.
6. Initial Information Gathering
The team begins identifying what information will be needed to make informed decisions. This typically includes:
- Financial documentation requirements
- Information about children’s needs and schedules
- Any urgent issues requiring immediate attention
- Questions about assets, debts, income, and expenses
The financial professional often provides worksheets or checklists to help organize this information for future meetings.
7. Planning Next Steps
The meeting concludes with clear action items for everyone involved:
- Documents to gather before the next meeting
- Assignments for professionals (valuations, research, etc.)
- Scheduling of future meetings
- Any interim arrangements needed
This ensures the process maintains momentum and everyone knows what to expect.
What Makes the First Meeting Different from Traditional Divorce
If you’ve heard stories about adversarial initial consultations or tense courtroom appearances, you’ll notice several key differences in the collaborative approach:
Focus on Problem-Solving Rather Than Positioning
Instead of staking out extreme positions as negotiating tactics, the collaborative meeting encourages identifying shared concerns and mutual interests.
Professional Collaboration Instead of Opposition
Rather than experts battling each other, the collaborative team works together to provide guidance and support.
Transparency Rather Than Strategy
Information is shared openly rather than selectively revealed for tactical advantage.
Client Empowerment Versus Professional Control
You and your spouse remain the decision-makers, with professionals serving as guides rather than taking control of the process.
Emotional Aspects: What to Expect and How to Prepare
The first collaborative meeting can bring up complex emotions. Understanding this emotional landscape helps you prepare effectively.
Common Emotional Responses
Many people experience:
- Anxiety about the unknown
- Sadness about the end of the marriage
- Relief at taking constructive action
- Concern about financial security
- Worry about children’s adjustment
- Uncertainty about the future
How the Collaborative Process Supports Emotional Well-being
The collaborative structure provides several emotional safeguards:
- The coach helps manage difficult emotions that arise
- Ground rules prevent destructive interactions
- The future-focused approach reduces blame and recrimination
- Professional guidance helps contain anxiety about outcomes
Self-Care Strategies for Before and After
To support yourself through this process:
- Arrange for personal support after the meeting
- Practice stress-reduction techniques beforehand
- Get adequate rest the night before
- Bring comfort items (water, snacks) if helpful
- Schedule decompression time afterward
Case Examples: Different First Meeting Scenarios
Every family’s situation is unique. Here are examples of how first meetings might vary based on circumstances:
The Amicable Couple with Simple Finances
Mark and Sarah had been discussing divorce for months before seeking professional help. Their first collaborative meeting focused primarily on:
- Confirming their shared goals for an amicable process
- Identifying the few areas where they hadn’t reached agreement
- Creating a streamlined process appropriate for their relatively simple finances
- Developing a parenting plan for their teenage children
The Complex Financial Situation
After 25 years of marriage, Jennifer and Robert had substantial assets, including a family business, multiple properties, and complex investments. Their first meeting emphasized:
- Assembling the right financial experts for their situation
- Creating a comprehensive financial disclosure plan
- Addressing immediate business operation concerns
- Establishing clear confidentiality protections for sensitive financial information
The High-Conflict Divorce with Young Children
Despite significant tension, Daniel and Maria chose collaboration for their children’s sake. Their first meeting included:
- More extensive ground rules for communication
- A detailed role explanation for the child specialist
- Development of temporary arrangements for parenting time
- Discussion of how to tell their young children about the divorce
Practical Tips: Making the Most of Your First Meeting
Do:
- Arrive well-rested and prepared
- Bring any requested documentation
- Listen actively to understand others’ perspectives
- Ask questions when something isn’t clear
- Focus on your most important interests rather than specific outcomes
- Remain open to creative solutions
Don’t:
- Make unilateral financial moves before the meeting
- Bring surprise demands or ultimatums
- Expect to resolve everything immediately
- Use the meeting for emotional confrontation
- Bring third parties (friends, family) to the meeting
- Make major decisions under pressure
Common Questions About the First Meeting
How Long Will It Take?
First collaborative meetings typically last 2-3 hours. This allows sufficient time to cover necessary ground without becoming overwhelming.
What Should I Wear?
Business casual attire is appropriate for most collaborative meetings. The goal is to feel comfortable but also to signal respect for the process.
Should I Bring Documentation?
Your attorney will advise you about specific documents for the first meeting. Typically, detailed financial documentation is gathered after the initial meeting, though bringing any immediately relevant information is helpful.
What If I Get Emotional?
Emotions are normal and expected. The collaborative team is trained to handle emotional moments respectfully. Taking breaks, using pre-arranged time-out signals, and working with the coach are all strategies that help manage difficult emotions.
What Happens If We Disagree During the Meeting?
Disagreement is a natural part of the process. The collaborative structure helps manage conflicts constructively by:
- Focusing on interests rather than positions
- Using neutral professionals to provide objective information
- Creating space for everyone to be heard
- Breaking larger issues into manageable pieces
After the Meeting: Next Steps
As the meeting concludes, you should have clarity about:
Short-term Arrangements
Any temporary agreements about parenting time, bill payment, or living arrangements until more permanent decisions are made.
Information Gathering Requirements
Specific financial documents, valuations, or other information needed for informed decision-making.
The Meeting Schedule
Dates and times for upcoming meetings, including any specialized sessions (financial planning, parenting plan development, etc.).
Individual Assignments
Tasks for each person to complete before the next meeting, including both spouses and professionals.
Conclusion: Beginning Your Collaborative Journey
The first collaborative meeting marks an important transition—from the uncertainty of deciding to divorce to actively creating solutions for your family’s future. While it may feel daunting, this initial meeting lays the groundwork for a process that has helped thousands of families navigate divorce with dignity and respect.
By understanding what to expect, you can approach this meeting with greater confidence. The collaborative process offers a path forward that honors what was valuable in your marriage while creating the foundation for a healthier future.
Remember that the collaborative team is there to support you through each step of the process. Their experience and expertise provide a framework that helps transform what could be a destructive process into an opportunity for growth and positive transition.
As you prepare for your first collaborative meeting, take comfort in knowing you’ve chosen an approach that prioritizes respect, transparency, and the well-being of your entire family. While the road ahead may have challenges, the collaborative process offers the support and structure to help you navigate this difficult transition with integrity and hope for the future.